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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24225886">you probably couldn’t see for the lights (but you were staring straight at me)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kccarey/pseuds/kccarey'>kccarey</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Child Neglect, Grey Harry, Harry Potter is Bad at Feelings, Harry and Tom have issues, Luna Lovegood &amp; Harry Potter Friendship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Possessive Tom Riddle, Sexual Content, Underage Smoking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, honestly fuck the timeline</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 18:10:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,735</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24225886</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kccarey/pseuds/kccarey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry doesn’t feel real and Tom is a confined mess.</p><p>(Or when Harry accidentally bleeding all over an old diadem has messy consequences.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harry Potter/Tom Riddle</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>200</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sometimes Harry forgets he exists, which is a silly thing to forget since he’s alive and breathing. It’s something that he’s found he can’t really help happening. One minute he’ll be actively taking part in a conversation and the next he’ll be drifting farther and farther away, until everything around him is simply muffled noise.</p><p>It’s not like Harry thinks it’s a real problem. </p><p>It’s just- sometimes he’s perfectly normal and then suddenly he’s the boy in the cupboard under the stairs and everything is darkandcrampedand-</p><p>A skeleton walking. The phrase dances round his mind every time he’s snapped out of his little episode and it shouldn’t fit so well to how he feels because he remembers when he first heard the phrase. Whispered viciously by the gossiping neighbours and the concerned teachers- look at that scrawny little thing, the criminal boy from Number Four, bones bared to all.</p><p>He hates the string of words almost as much as he despises freak but these days when all he does is drift through the hallways of Grimmauld Place and avoid his friends, Harry can almost see the truth in the words.</p><p>It was still dark out and Harry had left Ron snoring in their shared room. Now he simply walked aimlessly down the third floor of the house and pretended he couldn’t hear the too loud thumping of his own pulse. It’s almost a routine now, to walk round the house like a ghost and tell himself that he was in perfect shape.</p><p>He knew Sirius was directly below him, no doubt tossing and turning and Hermione was sharing a room with Ginny somewhere, but he really couldn’t find it in himself to seek out their company. So away he went driftingandfloatingand-</p><p>Coming to a sudden stop, Harry looked suspiciously in front of him. There was definitely a door that was not there before. Decrepit and ancient looking with a smudge of what once could’ve been dried blood on it, the door looked perfectly at home in Grimmauld Place. </p><p>Harry was positive that he had never seen the door before, so with that in mind, he reached out and twisted the gnarled door handle and pushed. In the back of his mind he knew his more stupid kind of Gryffindor tendencies were shining through- but Harry had almost completely lost the ability to give a fuck right now.</p><p>Cracking open, the door creaked lowly and swung open to reveal a dimly lit room. Creeping closer, Harry could see rows and rows of bookshelves stacked with books, most that had yellowing pages.</p><p>’How anticlimactic,’ he thought to himself while humming indifferently.</p><p>Idly running a hand through his messy hair, Harry took another stop forward only to abruptly stop again. Light flooded the room from all corners making Harry blink rapidly and tilt his head.</p><p>With the room no longer shrouded in darkness Harry could now see the entire room fully. The walls were a deep purple and the ceiling layered in silky fabrics, the book shelves seemed to be encrusted with diamonds and on the wall nearest to Harry there were engravings carved into it. Moving closer and squinting slightly, he could see around a hundred names and right at the bottom ’Current Lord Sirius Black' in vivid gold.</p><p>Looking further down, somewhat startled, he stopped the idle tracing he was doing when he noticed a name right underneath his godfathers.<br/>
In silver cursive writing ’Current Heir Harry Potter’ stood proudly.</p><p>”Oh," He muttered softly. Turning round slowly and adjusting his glasses, he took a closer look at the room he was in.</p><p>In the furthest corner of the room was a slim cabinet and atop of it was a worn piece of parchment. Walking toward the object curiously, Harry could easily make out the writing on it.</p><p>’Be it by blood and right that only those of House Black have access to the knowledge of our family and other nobles. Only those of purity and power be able to step foot in this room. Be it my blood and right.`</p><p>Arching a single eyebrow (something that had taken precious time to perfect), Harry once again looked around the room. A rigid thing that could be called a smile- in truth it had been a while since his muscles had been used for one- slid onto his face.</p><p>He made his way to the probably very dark books and prepared himself to become Hermione for a little while.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The blaring morning sun and the faint sounds of someone waking up is what snapped Harry out of his obsessive reading.</p><p>During the hours he had managed to skim through a bulky tome about the grey areas of magic and finish a smaller book called The Whys of Hexes and Curses. Something about all the books seemed to be particularly interesting and as long as he didn’t suddenly become addicted to the highs of black magic, Harry was one hundred percent fine with devouring the knowledge hidden in the writing.</p><p>He had once been a somewhat avid reader. Back when he had been all skin and bones and his only home had been the corners of a tight space, Harry had used to read any kind of educational text he could put his hands on. His dream had been to become so intelligent that he might blow through school with the highest honours and escape from the Dursley’s to make a fresh, clean life for himself.</p><p>When he had become wrapped up into the Wizarding World he could now admit that he had wasted some of his potential. What with trying to survive unnerving plots and coming to terms with a certain level of fame he had some explanation for slacking. However, to his grudging regret most of the reason was him simply not applying himself and following Ron’s lead.</p><p>Setting aside the narrow book, Harry yawned and cracked his neck loud enough to make him wince. Standing up and ignoring the dull groaning of his bones, he strode over to the door while pondering over whether to reveal his knowledge of the existence of a library that only make its presence known to members of the Black family.</p><p>Throwing the door wide open and creeping out, Harry checked for any eyes on him before sneaking through and immediately walked headlong into Sirius.</p><p>Bouncing off his godfather dizzily, Harry resisted the sudden urge to start giggling hysterically and instead focused on making the world stop spinning so chaotically.</p><p>”So,“ Sirius’ lips were upturned in a way that always made Harry unsure on whether he was happy or displeased, ”You were let into the little library without ending up dead.”</p><p>Right now, Harry’s mind was still filled to the brim with sparkling ideas and new spells so his brain failed to think up any kind of response, so he simply settled with muttering an incoherent ’huh.‘</p><p>Barking out a laugh, Sirius’ eyes thankfully filled with his familiar mirth and he placed a hand on Harry’s back to lead him down to the kitchen.</p><p>”Didn’t you read that parchment shite? So the door comes up in front of you if you’re family and well- i mean, I did make you my heir,“ Sirius was waving his hand in flamboyant fashion, a somewhat hesitant grin on his face, ”And then, when you step in through the musty old door the lights only come on if magic recognises you as good enough- or something along those lines, to be perfectly honest i didn’t pay attention to what my dear, old father was rattling on about it. But if you weren’t seen as suited, I’m pretty sure you’d be ash.“</p><p>Swallowing down the dryness of his throat, Harry forced himself to stay present in the conversation about what could have been his painful death. Offering a dry smile and a pointed look he spoke hoarsely, ”You’re family seem nicer and nicer everyday,“ Raising his eyebrows teasingly, ”But does that mean I could’ve been easily killed and you didn’t think to warn me?“</p><p>Smiling sheepishly now, Sirius made a sweeping gesture with his arm and almost bumped into one of the decapitated house elf heads on the wall, ”To be perfectly honest, Prongslet, the whole thing slipped my mind.“ Eyes starting to cloud and lines becoming more visible, he continued, ”It’s been harder to remember the little details ever since-“</p><p>”And we’re here!“ Cut in Harry with false cheer as they made there way into the grimy kitchen.</p><p>Watching with hidden relief as his godfathers eyes cleared up and seemed to push away the bad memories, Harry seated himself at the rickety table and plonked his head on his arms. He could see through bleary eyes that the only people up, apart from him and his dogfather, was Mrs Weasley and Ginny.</p><p>”Breakfast, Harry? You need to eat more! You’re much too thin,“ Clucked Mrs Weasley, a disapproving look etched onto her face.</p><p>Pasting a fake, polite smile on his face, Harry forcefully bit back the sarcastic comment on the tip of his tongue and instead let out a quiet, ”Yes, please.“</p><p>As Mrs Weasley began to bustle about the kitchen, Ginny began to make her way over to the chair closest to him. Resisting the urge to either sigh lowly or roll his eyes, Harry pushed his chair in to give her space.</p><p>It wasn’t as if Harry didn’t like her. It was more to do with the fact that the youngest Weasley has been continuously trying to prove that she had gotten over her heavy case of hero worship and was now using every chance she got to force small conversations with him. Which frankly, bored Harry to tears.</p><p>”Morning, Harry,“ She was fidgeting with her hands and her eyes seemed to flick from his face and the table every second.</p><p>”Hey, Ginny.“</p><p>A faint pink tinge spread across her face before she seemed to clench her fists and steel herself, ”So, um, do you think you’re gonna have a good Quidditch season this year?“</p><p>Harry was pretty sure she had asked this question before and by the stifled cough that came from Sirius, he wasn’t the only one who noticed.
Innerly preparing himself for another stiff, rambling chat, Harry opened his mouth to answer the redhead. Fortunately, he was interrupted by the sudden surge of more weary redheads and one bushy haired brunette.</p><p> ”Morning, dears, breakfast is here,“ Mrs Weasley set down the many plates of food with a swish and flick and a motherly smile.</p><p> Swallowing his polite smile, Harry grabbed a plate. Everything in front of him was greasy and fatty. His stomach lurched in displeasure. He was so bloody weird.</p><p>’You cant even eat normal food, what’s wrong with you?' Even his fucking inner voice was taunting him. Harry was pretty sure he was imagining the lightheadedness.</p><p> The last time he had eaten a filling meal was nothing but a hazy memory to him. His time at the Dursley’s this summer hadn’t been the greatest, but he was fine, he reassured himself. For the two weeks he’d been in Grimmauld Place, apart from when he went to the Ministry, he’d simply been eating fruit- ’eating healthy' he tried to tell everyone.</p><p> Huffing frustratedly, Harry reaches out and grabbed a piece of bacon and some bread. Rolling his eyes at his weakness, he dismissed his self consciousness and dug into the food like a dying man.</p><p> As soon as he started he couldn’t stop. The way Harry ripped into the bread was verging on feral, reminiscent to how he had been in his early Hogwarts feasts. His hands shook and Harry’s entire body seemed to tremble as he continued to finish his plate.</p><p> Having finished everything, Harry hunched over the table. Small tremors ran through his body visibly and the people around him now leaned forward in worry. Swallowing down the last bite of his bread, Harry let out a shaky breath and swayed to the right.</p><p> Just as Hermione was about to question carefully on the problem, Harry lurched to the side and violently unhinged his jaw. Everything he had just eaten was thrown back up as he clenched his fists so tight they turned white.</p><p> For two slow seconds no one did anything except stare dumbfounded as he trembled and emptied his stomach. However, the spell was swiftly broken when Harry heaved brokenly and coughed so hoarsely that blood was spat out. Jumping to attention, Sirius swiftly made his way to his pale godson and Mrs Weasley vanished the mess and sent out the confused children with a worried frown set on her face.</p><p> Glaring furiously at the troubled faces of his exiting friends, Harry ignored the comforting hands of his godfather and wiped the spatter of blood from his chin. Unclenching the rigid grip he had on the chair, Harry tipped his head back and tried to steady the rapid beating of his heart.</p><p> The probably loving words of the anxious Black flew past his ears. Harry berated himself over and over. He stared blankly into space and imagined he was back in his cupboard. Alone and dark and hungry. Freakfreakfreakfre- </p><p>”-rry!“ Clicking his fingers twice in front of Harry’s face, Sirius squinted in concern.</p>

<p>Clearing his throat three times, Harry didn’t even attempt to give a reassuring smile, ”Sorry, er, what were you saying?“</p>

<p>Running an olive hand through his long hair, his godfather looked extremely out of touch, ”Why don’t you go wash up, okay, pup?“</p>

<p>Nodding distantly, Harry didn’t fail to catch the uneasy look thrown his way by Mrs Weasley. His disheveled appearance earned him several jeers from a few haughty portraits- but he couldn’t find it in himself to take notice. Each step he took was accompanied by a wave of dizziness and the growling of his now empty stomach. Harry imagined that had he the strength to do anything except for walk, he’d probably laugh at how pitiful a picture he made.</p>

<p>Drifting up the stairs, he passed Kreacher’s hateful rambling, then swept by the twins confused faces. He pretended to ignore the worry on Ginny’s and floated past the identical look of concern on his best friends faces. Up, up, up he went. Away and away and gone.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shaking his damp hair out of his eyes, Harry let out a deep sigh of relief. The scalding water from the shower had worked in snapping him out of his daze. Now all that was left in him was a bone deep ache and gnawing tiredness. </p><p>Harry craved desperately to just sink into his bed and bury his head under a pillow and simply close his eyes and-</p><p>But no, he really couldn’t. All that waited for him in sleep was blinding green light and a friends body hitting the ground. Behind his eyelids lay a graveyard.</p><p>Chewing his lips absentmindedly, Harry avoided looking in the mirror and instead pondered on what do with himself. He had finished all his homework (Hermione’s persistence payed off). His still trembling hands proved he wouldn’t be good company and the dull throb behind his eyes showed he shouldn’t go to the secret library.</p><p>Shooting a guilty look at his jeans which lay strewn on the floor, he wondered if he should. Hand twitching slightly, Harry held back and weighed the pro’s and cons of seriously.</p><p>”Fuck it,“ The words escaped him quietly and he rolled his green eyes, even as a slightly hysterical smile made its way on to his face.</p><p>Bending down stiffly, Harry fumbled through the pockets of his jeans, looking for the two small objects.</p><p>”Eureka.“</p><p>Victoriously, Harry held up the scratched yellow lighter and the full carton of cigarettes. Looking around suspiciously in the tiny bathroom, he made his way into the hallway and to a place he’d been to millions of times since he found it.</p><p>Harry had stolen the lighter from Uncle Vernon when he had been feeling particularly spiteful early on in the summer. He’d never really thought of smoking until he had been forced to listen to an extremely shrill rant made by Aunt Petunia on how only nobodies and criminals smoked. A small group of muggle stoners had welcomed him with open arms in the park round the corner and Harry had begun to meet with them every week. A muggle called Danny had gifted him with a packet of cigarettes and his first fuck before Harry had left- leaving him with a nicotine addiction and a new name for his sexuality.</p><p>He was pretty sure any damage done to his lungs was healed by magic but he didn’t care enough to ask Hermione and be subjected to her well meaning but tiring rants.</p><p>Finally at the end of the winding hallway, Harry found himself at the place he liked to think nobody- except maybe Sirius- knew about. Directly above him was a thin strip of rope that could only be seen if you really knew where to look, Harry had come across it on one of his nightly wanders. Reaching up and tugging it downward, a small opening swung down. There was no ladder but he was able to stand on the creaking cabinet to his left and swing his body through the opening.</p><p>Small smile playing on his face, Harry shut the opening and sat down on the roof of Grimmauld Place. A slight breeze blew through his hair while Harry lit a cigarette. He closed his eyes when he brought it to his cracked lips and enjoyed the rays of sun on his face.</p><p>With the smears of purple and pink painting the sky and the early morning highlighting the pale features of Harry’s face, the scene could be called picturesque. But to anyone looking closer they might have been able to see the sallow hue of his skin and the dark bags under his green eyes or the way his shirt clung tight to his bones.</p><p>The back and forth of the cigarette between Harry’s  lips and fingers and the steady in and out of his chest was the only movement around. A somewhat dreamy vibe settled on top of the roof and an odd calmness sunk within him.</p><p>”So this is where you go off to, mate.“</p><p>Gangly limbs and greying robes settled beside him, joining in the tranquility of the moment. Ron looked right at home next to the sun, flaming hair blowing gently forward.</p><p>A hum of what could’ve been an answer or a noise of content slipped from Harry’s lips, drifting away with the cigarette ash. Together, they both sat next to each other, lost in the idle thoughts of teenagers and revelling in the silence- only broken by the odd cough from Ron inhaling second hand smoke.</p><p>After Harry had smoked till the tips of his fingers started to burn and Ron had counted every bird on the street, they both simultaneously stood up and ignored the aching of their muscles. Sharing a tiny, quick thing of a gentle smile, Harry and Ron yanked the roof door open and jumped down.</p><p>”Ron, do me a favour and don’t tell Hermione about these,“ said Harry flipping the worm lighter in his hand.</p><p>”Wouldn’t dream of it, mate,“ The redhead shuddered and looked round wildly just in case their bushy haired friend popped out behind them- ready to lecture.</p><p>Laughing softly, for what seemed to be the first in an extremely long time, Harry pushed his fringe back and chanced a longing look to the secret library as they passed it. Later he would read every goddamn book in there.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The confining days at Grimmauld Place blurred together in an odd loop of déjà vu. Hours spent with books that would make most of ’the Order of the Phoenix’ wince occupied Harry’s time.</p>
<p>He had tried halfheartedly to delve back into conversations with Ron and Hermione but each time he found himself unconsciously drifting out in the middle of them. After a while, Harry had simply learnt the art of deflecting talks and ignoring the rising looks of worry on his closest friends faces.</p>
<p>Noticeable dark bags under his eyes from sleepless nights and unhealthy, protruding ribs from his inability to keep down heavy food, Harry knew with startling clarity how bad he looked.</p>
<p>The many adults that lingered round the house after Order meetings seemed to look right through him with sympathetic eyes and pathetic whispers. Dumbledore was apparently adamant in his curious refusal to look Harry in the eye, but the few times Harry did catch him looking his trademark twinkle was absent.</p>
<p>Even the normally confrontational Snape kept his distance, eyeing him appraisingly.</p>
<p>Each morning Harry met a skeleton in the mirror and each morning he couldn’t find it in himself to care about it.</p>
<p>This afternoon however, Harry found himself in his and Ron’s shared room with Ron, Hermione, Ginny and the twins. Squished between Fred and George, he felt vaguely claustrophobic but he determinedly pushed that feeling aside.</p>
<p>Talking amongst themselves, Harry said as little as possible and instead pondered on whether Hermione would notice if he snuck out to smoke a cigarette. And so he didn’t notice when the conversation came to an abrupt halt and the twins eyes came to rest on him wickedly.</p>
<p>”So Harrykins-“ <br/>”What about you?"</p>
<p>Raising a single eyebrow, Harry squinted in confusion and let out an eloquent ”Huh?”</p>
<p>Shuffling even closer on either side of him, Fred and George leaned forward conspiringly while the rest of the group looked on in amusement.</p>
<p>”Oh, Harrykins, you know," Fred started.</p>
<p>And George finished, ”Got a girl in your little life?"</p>
<p>”A crush!"</p>
<p>”A lover-"</p>
<p>”A secret woman to warm your heart-"</p>
<p>”And your bed!"</p>
<p>Staring at the two identical redheads in silence, Harry’s face went through various different emotions before settling on mirth. Letting out a high laugh, Harry pushed the twins back gently so they were no longer pressed against his legs.</p>
<p>”Well, I’m gay, so I wouldn’t know how a secret woman would fit into my bed." There it was. Simple, and he was out.</p>
<p>The looks fixed on his friends faces almost made Harry laugh for the second time this summer but the faint feeling of apprehension within stopped it. Hermione seemed to look like she’d known all along, which was strange since Harry had only really discovered his sexuality this summer. Ron has bafflement painted on his face and Ginny appeared to be frozen in shock and unhappiness.</p>
<p>Ron was the first to snap out of what overcame him, and thankfully he didn’t seem to be struck with disgust, ”What about Cho, you looked like you fancied her, mate?"</p>
<p>Wincing slightly, Harry studied his palm for a few seconds before answering in a voice much quieter than before, ”To be honest I think I had more of a crush on Cedric and kinda pushed it on to Cho."</p>
<p>The room fell silent at that. Digging his nails into his palms to help smother the incoming memories, kill the spare, kill the spare, killthespa-<br/>Harry cleared his throat in an effort to kill the heavy silence and rolled his shoulders.</p>
<p>Smiling weakly, Fred punched Harry in the arm softly, ”There’s gonna be thousands of girls crying their eyes over you, mate.”</p>
<p>Humming and rolling his eyes in answer, Harry pointedly ignored the downwards turn on Ginny’s face and instead poked his finger into Fred’s ribs harshly.</p>
<p>Sighing in relief as the light conversation picked up from there, Harry let his head loll to the side and stared at his shockingly thin wrists blankly. With that the end of his ability to take part in socialising came and yet again he started to floatandsoarandfly away and away and away. Until he was nothing but a statue of skin and bones with a pulse.<br/>——————————————————————————</p>
<p>Lurching upward suddenly, Harry tried desperately to regain a sense of calm. It was the middle of the night and it had been one of the only times Harry had been able to peacefully fall asleep. But then there had been something. Something that happened so rapidly and intense that it had ripped him from his sleep. </p>
<p>A surge of- what was it? Harry ran a trembling hand through his hair and searched his mind for what had rushed through him. There it was, embedded in him. Emotions. But they were foreign. These emotions were not his own, they were searing and consuming. Anger so real that it made his chest ache, burned through him and Harry took an unsteady step up to make his way to the library.</p>
<p>Sweat made his shirt stick to his back and his forehead throbbed dully. But strangely, a giddy grin made its way onto Harry’s lips without his permission. It was odd, he thought treacherously, that one of the only times he felt somewhat alive was when emotions not his own(Harry could almost taste the bitter decay of Voldemort on them) ran through him.</p>
<p>Pushing the library door open with a shaky hand, Harry made his way straight over to a section of books he had been purposely putting last. Tremors continued to travel throughout his frame as he scanned the small collection of obscure texts before he found the right one. ’Dark, Dangerous and Odd Bondings and Connections.’</p>
<p>Harry’s expressionless face seemed to emphasise the intense look in his bright, green eyes as he held the book close. Sitting down at the small table and cracking open the text, Harry couldn’t help but feel the faint sensation that something huge was going to be answered.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>”Fuck.”</p>
<p>Harry couldn’t remember how to breathe. ’In and Out’ he tried to tell himself. But nothing was working, a huge weight was slowly suffocating him, crushing his lungs. Gagging suddenly, Harry gripped his hair tight in fists and bit back the hysterical giggles in the back of his throat. </p>
<p>Horcrux.</p>
<p>He was a Horcrux. A piece of Voldemort’s soul lived inside of him, latched on to his being. Harry was a breathing example of The Dark Lord’s immortality.</p>
<p>A broken gurgling sound escaped his mouth, there was something stuck in throat. Something was slowly choking him. His soul wasn’t his own- hadn’t been his own since he’d been a baby.</p>
<p>Harry was shaking now. He felt distant and feverish and strangely empty. How much of Harry was really himself? The Horcrux within him would be so tightly wound with his own soul that there would be no separation. </p>
<p>Unwittingly, an event from his first year came swimming in his mind and the words from the Headmaster were printed heavily in his mind. ’A part of Voldemort lives inside you.’</p>
<p>Was that not what Dumbledore has told his eleven year old self? Had Dumbledore truly known from the start about what Harry was. A tiny flicker of rage started within him and Harry fanned the flames- glad to push his attention into mindless anger instead of his startling realisation. </p>
<p>Swallowing dryly, the taste of ash lay thick on his tongue.</p>
<p>Sitting up straight again, Harry ignored the loud cracking of his spine and reopened the book. He continued to obsessively read everything he could about what he was until the pages were worn and his eyes glazed over.<br/>—————————————————————————-</p>
<p>The next day was September first.</p>
<p>Usually Harry would spend the morning of the first in overwhelming excitement over going back to Hogwarts- his true home. However, this time he simply sat next to his packed trunk and waited. Slim hand pressed harshly against his ribs to remind himself he was real.</p>
<p>Blurry figures of too many redheads and the occasional random Order member whirled past him, but Harry paid them no mind. He continued to  sit, sprawled rigidly, and count the breathes he took.</p>
<p>”Wotcher, Harry!" Exclaimed Tonks cheerily, she wore the face of an elderly woman and her muggle clothes clashed terribly.</p>
<p>The huge group of everyone leaving assembled together noisily and made their way out. Sirius, in his dog form, trotted alongside Harry and wagged his tail happily. Occasionally, he would race forward and snap his jaw at groups of pigeons, earning a faint smile from Harry and a scolding from Mrs Weasley.</p>
<p>As they carefully made their way through the Kings Cross barrier, Sirius wagged his tail in Harry’s direction and motioned for him to follow.</p>
<p>As they ducked behind into a place no one could see them, Sirius transformed into his usual self and swiftly grabbed Harry into a hug. The embrace was warm and comforting but it still made Harry tense up and stiffen his shoulders. </p>
<p>Gently letting him go, Sirius gazed at him with affection ”Don’t be causing too much trouble, alright, pup?"</p>
<p>Clutching onto the sleeves of his godfathers shirt embarrassingly tight, Harry could only nod in return.</p>
<p>”I’m gonna miss you. Write to me, and remember if anything happens use the mirror I gave you earlier this summer."</p>
<p>His words were so loving in tone that Harry almost couldn’t find the words to speak, not at all used to this kind of fatherly concern, ”I’ll miss you."</p>
<p>Smiling fondly, Sirius’ eyes held a mischievous glint to them as he drew Harry in for another tight embrace, ”Give Snape hell, Prongslet.”</p>
<p>Smiling tightly, Harry made his way into the train, winding his way through loving goodbyes and tearful families.</p>
<p>Managing to get onto the train in one piece, Harry began to wander down through the carriages, absentmindedly looking for any familiar faces.</p>
<p>Popping his head into one of the carriages, Harry was met with the sight of a group of girls, all giggling, all pink and all staring straight at him.</p>
<p>”Heya, Harry." Uttered a small blonde girl, who Harry only knew as friends with Cho Chang.</p>
<p>Smiling politely, while innerly cursing, Harry muttered a small ’hey' that made them all break into annoying titters before leaving quickly.</p>
<p>Letting out a small sigh of relief as he caught sight of familiar dark hair, Harry ducked into one of the last carriages. Neville, Ginny and an unfamiliar blonde girl with dreamy eyes all stared up at him as he entered.</p>
<p>”There you are, Harry!” Ginny said, she waved a vacant hand toward the silver haired girl, ”This is Luna Lovegood.”</p>
<p>”Hi, Luna."</p>
<p>Luna tilted her head in an expression of deep thinking as her wide eyes examined him. Oddly shaped purple glasses sat upon her head and the magazine in her hands was upside down,”Hello, Harry Potter. Did you know the Nargles are crowding round your head?”</p>
<p>Harry decided he liked her.</p>
<p>”No I didn’t know. Is that a bad thing?”</p>
<p>”It depends on whether you let it be a bad thing or not, Harry Potter." Luna’s voice was whimsical and her bright eyes seemed to shine in the faint sun.</p>
<p>He examined her more slowly. Green eyes glinting quickly, before he gave her a small smile which she answered with a giant beam.</p>
<p>Ignoring the curious looks he was getting from Neville and Ginny, Harry rested his head on the cool window and gazed deeply at the floor. A few minutes of blissful silence went by before it was interrupted by Neville.</p>
<p>”You alright, Harry?“</p>
<p>’No. I’m a fucking wreck. I’m nobody and I’m not here right now. I’m dead. Deaddeaddeadeadde-</p>
<p>”Yeah, i’m fine, Nev. How was your summer?“</p>
<p>Idle chatter. Blurring in and out of conversation. Harry didn’t know where he was. He was- he was in a cupboard with a bunch of spiders and the walls are tight and he can’t breathe and he’s sososo hungry. But no. Harry’s not in a cupboard. He’s in a graveyard. And there’s green light and a body on the floor and ’Blood of the Enemy, Forcibly-</p>
<p>-ry. Hello!”</p>
<p>Jerking back into reality, Harry blinked rapidly before turning to Hermione. When did she get here?</p>
<p>”Anyway, we were saying that Draco Malfoy is a prefect! I just bet you that he’s going to abuse his position all the time. I mean really, there must have been so many better options.“</p>
<p>Harry nodded hazily in agreement with the rest of the group as Hermione continued her rant about privilege and responsibility and other Hermione shit.</p>
<p>He pressed bony knuckles into his eyes and contemplated the risks of taking a nap before shrugging mentally. Laying his head in Hermione’s lap, Harry smiled lazily as she started to run her fingers through his unruly hair and slipped into the land of Morpheus.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Since he had been a child, Harry had always been distant. Whether by choice or not, he had been a separated child- detached with reality. And throughout his years, from the times of suffocating darkness in his cupboard to the overwhelming nature of Hogwarts, he had always had these moments.</p><p>Moments where there is nothing except the numb feeling of being underwater and roaring in his ears. And then it would be almost as if he had exited his body- as if the tainted soul belonging to him had fallen out of his back. The feeling of truly seeing his own character was a complex one, especially when he realised he didn’t like what he was seeing at all.</p><p>Soaring high and above, dispassionate to everything except his own wanderings. Harry knew with startling clarity how odd he was- to the point of it being freak-</p><p>But how much does it really take for someone to be considered abnormal. Harry prided himself on above all, at least being shockingly self-aware. Normal children did not spend their childhoods spent in isolation, with hunger biting into them. He knew this- the Dursley’s treated him like shit, but he was fine. Ordinary children do not have to go through the nightmare of realising that they killed a man, heat burning at his palms and Quirrell’s screams still ringing. Harry knew that as well. The mans death couldn’t fully be laid at his feet but that wasn’t exactly reassuring, blood on his hands at eleven and the smell of ash forever clinging to him- traumatic at best.</p><p>Children do not watch friends get brutally murdered. Harry fucking knew this- Kill the spare, Kill thespare, Killthespa-</p><p>’Then again,' he thought bitterly, ’Most kids don’t get killing curses thrown at them.’</p><p>Swallowing away his morose thoughts and blinking away the green light behind his eyes, Harry turned to Hermione, who had been ignoring the Sorting and had been trying for a while to grab his attention.</p><p>-rry! Harry!”</p><p>”Sorry, what’s that ’mione?"</p><p>The almost motherly look of concern on his bushy haired friends face could have rivalled Mrs Weasley.<br/>
Her dark brown eyes shone with poorly disguised worry and her slim hand hovered anxiously before his shoulder, as if unsure on if she could touch him.</p><p>Harry hoped she didn’t.</p><p>”I’m just worried, Harry,” Biting her dried lip, Hermione peered up at him, "You’ve just been so distant and well, I mean, me and Ron don’t know what to do! Oh- are you truly okay?”</p><p>Forcefully stopping the sarcastic comments bubbling inside him that he didn’t even know he felt, Harry instead focused on the slight warmth that he always gained when one of his friends worried over him.</p><p>Smiling softly, Harry flicked his gaze to both Ron and Hermione. ”Look guys, it’s hard, y’know? But everything’s fine! I’m getting there.“</p><p>His words were reassuring and as fake as plastic. The smile on his face made his muscles ache and the relieved beams on his friends faces made Harry’s skin crawl.</p><p>As the feast came to an end, Harry tuned out Dumbledore’s speech and ran his gaze over the teachers lazily.</p><p>Absentmindedly taking note on Hagrid’s absence, he continued his scan before bright green eyes came to a stop. Sat to McGonagall’s left was the most unpleasant looking human he had ever seen. Clad in only ghastly pink fabric, an unattractive smirk on her face, Harry started to reevaluate his idea of toads not being able to take human form.</p><p>Now studying the new teacher more intensely, Harry quickly came to three realisations. First, the woman was a ministry dog from his trial. Second, Defence was definitely going to be different. And third, from the sheer disgust and contempt coming from her glare, she certainly wasn’t a Harry Potter fan.</p><p>A wave of a familiar intense tiredness washed over him. Harry’s eyes fluttered shut as he dropped his head onto his hands. The school year already seemed to suffocate him and he hadn’t even made it past the Welcoming Feast. </p><p>Ron placed a grounding hand on his shoulder, his presence usually a warming comfort, but now all Harry could feel was a distant sort of blurry feeling. Almost like he was underwater, seeing everything uniquely from beneath the waves. Smiling through the strangeness of it all, Harry managed to briefly lift his head up to gift the ginger with a fleeting grin before dropping it down once more with a resounding thud.</p><p>Around him, conversations muffled and eventually halted. Harry could sense a startled change in the air of the Great Hall and he had a strong feeling he should be paying attention to what was happening. But the energy required to actually give more than a minuscule amount of attention to anything that wasn’t the strange texture of the table against his forehead was simply too much for Harry. And so he went on, in a small bubble of pure disassociation, Harry was nothing more than a meaningless balloon floating beyond the trivial worries of other people.</p><p>However, soon enough his odd feeling of something that wasn’t quite peace was interrupted. It was Hermione’s cool hand against his forehead. A familiar weight that always carried behind it her own brand of almost tender worry. </p><p>"Are you alright, Harry?” Hermione whispered, eyebrows scrunched, ”Do you feel ill?”</p><p>Harry squinted up at her blearily in answer. The words to reassure her laid heavily on his tongue and he found he didn’t quite like the taste of it. He sat up fast, regretting it when the world began to spin, and tried to recall how to think correctly.</p><p>”M not ill, i’m fine.” Harry finally spoke with real effort.</p><p>His two friends gave him identical looks. Sceptical and concerned, their disbelief evident in their matching pursed lips. Harry would’ve found the almost paternal faces hilarious if his head hadn’t began to bang so terribly.</p><p>”Really! I’m fine, all peachy,” He reassured them, a weak protest to their scepticism. And before they could attempt to badger him anymore he changed the subject, “But I missed what happened just now.”</p><p>At his statement Hermione’s expression darkened as she scowled fiercely. It was an obvious contrast to Ron’s bored eye-roll. At the dramatic change in Hermione’s mood, Harry sat forward grateful to have something to clutch onto desperately.</p><p>Sitting rigid and furious, Hermione looked to be nothing less than the definition of scornful. “That- that. Woman!”</p><p>She threw her hands into the air in a wild display, her hair frizzing incredibly. Harry and Ron both leant back with vaguely baffled expression in case they were hit. Looking rapidly from Harry to Ron, seeking some kind of acknowledgment, she made a funny kind of gargle sound when she was faced with nothing  but there blank faces.</p><p>”It’s just all so blatant! The ministry is interfering Hogwarts. Oh! I have no idea how Dumbledore is allowing this,” Speaking anxiously in one breath, Hermione glared into nothingness as if the air had offended her.</p><p>Exchanging a pointed look, Harry and Ron both turned in union to stare at the subject of their friends short rant. </p><p>Harry locked eyes with Umbridge immediately- she had already been looking at him. Her stare scorched his very being and Harry felt so very <em>seen </em>in a way that made him want to sink into the ground and remain there to decompose. An aura of malevolence surrounded her only solidified by the burning colour of her bow.</p><p>He felt bare. And stripped down, he didn’t know if his thoughts were merely dramatic or if the uncomfortable itching sensation making itself at home under his skin was getting to him, but Harry was certain this would be yet another year in which his defence teacher would be out to get him.</p><p>It was rather strange that the thought wasn’t as worrying as it used to be. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I’ve realised my chapters are all way too short.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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